Does it really need saying? This isn't safe for work.

So are you sitting uncomfortably? If so then tighten the nipple clamps - I'm taking you on a wild ride into the world of aberrant sexuality.

Perhaps the Victorians were right?

In this day and age we may laugh at the Victorian habit of covering up table legs but perhaps they had a point:

In this day and age we may laugh at the Victorian habit of covering up table legs but perhaps they had a point:

Police say a man in Bellevue was caught on tape having sex with a picnic table.

...

The neighbor -- who wishes to remain anonymous -- saw Price walk out onto his deck, stand a round metal table on its side and use the hole for the umbrella to have sex.

The most recent instance took place March 14, we're told. A neighbor videotaped Price.

"The first video we had, he was completely nude. He would use the hole from the umbrella and have sex with the table," Johnson says.

Unfortunate police statement #34,672:

This case has police in this small town shaking their heads. "Once you think you've seen it all, something else comes around," Johnson says.

Source

Reminds me of the recent story - perhaps they could both get away with it if the victim couldn't go to the police?

A man has admitted trying to have sex with a goat - but believed he wouldn't get caught because "animals couldn't talk".

New Zealand's Rangiora District Court was told the pensioner, who managed to protect his identity, took the goat round the back of his farm and tried to commit a sex act with it.

The court was told that there were complications - and according to reports, "he did up his trousers, patted the goat and walked off".

Source

Bigfoot made me a rapist

I can only assume that the claim is so outlandish he is either making a decent (but failed) bid to be judged mentally incompetent or he is actually loopy (although in a Fortean universe we can't necessarily rule out he is telling the truth I suppose - other people have made some pretty odd claims over the years):

A man who claims that he was molested by Bigfoot as a child was ordered to serve 20 years in prison yesterday for his own molestation-related activities.

...

Morrill told an investigator preparing his pre-sentence report about being sexually assaulted by the legendary Bigfoot, a North American folklore character said to be between 7 and 10 feet tall, and covered in dark brown or dark reddish hair. Patton said Morrill really believes the assaulted happened.

Source

Loren Coleman offers his thoughts on this over at Cryptomundo.

This recalls an equally odd case from New Zealand:

A Motueka man who claimed to have been left speaking Australian after being raped by a wombat has been sentenced to 75 hours' community work for his trouble.

Arthur Ross Cradock, a 48-year-old orchard worker, admitted in the Nelson District Court yesterday to the charge of using a phone for a fictitious purpose, after calling police with the message, 'I've been raped by a wombat'.

...

On a second subsequent call to the communications centre, Cradock told police he was being raped by a wombat at his Motueka address, and sought their immediate help.

He called police again soon after, and gave his full name, saying he wanted to withdraw the complaint.

"I'll retract the rape complaint from the wombat, because he's pulled out,'' Cradock told the operator at the communications centre, who had no idea what he was talking about, Mr Stringer said.

"Apart from speaking Australian now, I'm pretty all right you know, I didn't hurt my bum at all,'' Cradock then told the operator.

Mr Stringer said alcohol had played a big part in Cradock's life. However, defence lawyer Michael Vesty said alcohol was not a problem that day.

Source

Perverts in the house

There can't be many things scarier than a home invasion, except if it turns out the home invader is a pervert.

A 38-year-old Cole Avenue man reported that his home was invaded on Sept. 9. The man said he was sitting home alone masturbating and watching a pornographic movie when a man came down into the basement, holding a gun, and started to videotape him. The man said that before he left, the intruder fed his dog some mushrooms and the dog died.

Source

It recalls a report from the end of February:

Police in Ottawa are looking for a man who they say broke into a woman's apartment to view pornography on her computer.

Investigators say a woman in her 20s woke up at 4 a.m. Wednesday to find a man with his pants down looking at pornography on her computer. She confronted the man, who fled through the front door of her apartment.

Unfortunate police statement #34,673:

Police are asking for anyone with information to come forward.

Source

Jesus Christ: Sex Magickian

He was the Messiah and I don't think anyone is claiming he was a very naughty boy (although if I hung around with prostitutes and fishermen eyebrows would be raised) but Cannonfire have a long piece about the Big Damn Secret of sex magick, and it does involve Jesus (although not necessarily directly):

You can imagine Crowley's surprise when, one fine evening in 1910, Theodore Reuss came knocking at his door in order to lodge a serious complaint: Crowley, in one of his recent writings, had given away the Big Damn Secret! That was a very naughty thing for a low-level initiate to do.

This news surprised Crowley, who had almost forgotten his O.T.O initiation. He replied that he had learned about sex magic on his own, while traveling in the East.

The offending Crowleyan text was Psalm 69 of The Book of Lies (Falsely So-Called), titled "How to Succeed."

If this title confuses you, then perhaps I should note that my former ladyfriend -- the O.T.O. adept -- had read this text and knew very well how to succeed. BOY HOWDY did she know how to succeed. So successful was she that I have now withdrawn from the world to devote myself to peaceful and pure contemplation of the universe.

Reuss made AC a high-level initiate, in order to seal him to secrecy and stop him from giving away the whole store.

How did AC really learn the Secret? One theory holds that he received it from sages belonging to ancient mystical orders that have covertly survived throughout the ages in far-off Eastern lands. The other theory holds that he found it in the library.

It's there, if you know where to look.

Where to look? Well the secret appears to be told in the form of a pervy parable involving Jesus and Mary Magdalene.

What was the book that came to AC's attention? I believe that he encountered a copy of the Medicine Chest Against Heresies written by Epiphanius of Salamis. He was born around the year 260, and died circa 340. At one time, you had to visit a large library to locate this book. At present, the only online translations are partial.

In that work, Epiphanius references a now-lost work called The Gospel of the Greater Questions of Mary.

And the secret?

To cut a long story short - felching.

Now you know - I hope it does you some good.

Contraceptives so scary they'd put you off

Cracked have a list of the most terrifying contraceptives which include wesel/beaver testicles, crocodile poo, mercury, lemons (ouch!!) and my favourite: blacksmith's water.

However, what most tickles my fancy (bt not in that way) is their list of the most disturbing sex toys. To be honest most of them can't beat some of the things we'v looked at previously like the Cronenburgian sextoys or, the winner surely, the pussyfoot.

My eye was caught (but not in that way) by this monstrosity, which reminded me of the alien love dolls we've previously featured, except it is considerably more disturbing: The Area 51 Love Doll:

It's the love doll they never wanted you to know about! For years they've locked it away, kept it classified and tried to prevent man from enjoying extraterrestrial pleasure. Now you can experience what humans have fantasized about for decades...incredible sex with an alien! It's pussy-shaped mouth, 3 supples breasts, suction cup fingers and ass-shaped ears make it the kinkiest love slave in the galaxy.

Hat tip

Giant Squid do it longer and deeper

We'll end on this older news item which recently resurfaced (for which we have BoingBoing to "thank"):

One of the two males washed ashore was found to have been accidentally inseminated - backing the findings of research in previous strandings.

And scientists now believe the males had either accidentally inseminated themselves during "violent" lovemaking sessions with females or been inseminated by other males after "bumping" into them in the dark depths of the ocean.

...

The report goes on: "Although mating has never been observed in giant squid, it is thought that what happens is that the male injects his sperm packages into the female's arms. The process is likely to be a fairly violent affair as the female is probably not that keen on being injected. This is a problem for the amorous male as females are normally a third bigger than they are.

"But males get round their inferior size by being endowed with a particularly long penis, which means they can inject the female without having to get too close to her chomping beak. The male's sexual organ is actually a bit like a high-pressure fire hose and is normally nearly as long as his body - excluding legs and head.

"But having such a big penis does have one drawback: it seems that co-ordinating eight legs, two feeding tentacles and a huge penis, whilst fending off an irate female, is a bit too much to ask, and one of the two males stranded on the Spanish coast had accidentally injected himself with sperm packages in the legs and body. And this does not seem to have been an isolated incident since two of the eight males that had stranded in the north-east Atlantic before had also accidentally inseminated themselves.

Source

So as they said in Hill Street Blues: Let's be careful out there, and try not to inseminate yourself. Unless that is what you were planning on doing I suppose.